I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
