best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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