Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
