My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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