What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
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