im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
