just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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