No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
