these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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