Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
