I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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