If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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