She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
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Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
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We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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