My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Your penis caused this!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
