I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
