I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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