I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
