I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
