made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
