This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
