can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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