So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
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You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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