But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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