Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
