This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
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they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
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you're hired as official boob wrangler
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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