That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
