I am spending my child support on dildos
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
