Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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