The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
