remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
