So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
