How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
