My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
