Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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