how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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