Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she pinky promised me she was 18
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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