in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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