____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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