I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
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all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
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Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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