I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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