Grow some girl-balls and come out already
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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