I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
