I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
