she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
