Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
