went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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