Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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