do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
