I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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