You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
