I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
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That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.