I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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