I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
