I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
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I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
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I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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