How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
