i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
