Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
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The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
there is glitter all over my balls
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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