my room smells like sperm. sweet.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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